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Become a Recovering People Pleaser in 3 Steps
Do you know someone who can’t say “no”? Someone who puts their needs behind everyone else’s wants? Who may kick themselves after saying “yes” – yet again? Someone who finds themselves running around like a chicken with their head cut off trying to make everyone else happy?
Could this be you we’re talking about? I know this has been me, many times in the past.
I’ve been serious people pleaser in past personal and professional relationships, to the detriment of those relationships. People pleasing is a disease and there are always 2 (or more) people involved. People pleasing also happens in friendships, in group dynamics and in business relationships. Here’s some inspiration for entrepreneurs to become recovering people pleasers.
I know that saying “yes” to too many things in my business has kept me completely overwhelmed in the past. This year I’ve said “no” to requests a LOT more than I’ve said “yes”. It’s freed up my time to laser-focus on creating a new physical products business, as well as the other couple of businesses I have – with a lot more ease, happiness and grace.
I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.~ Bill Cosby
Here are 3 ways to recover from being a people pleaser:
1. Stop saying “yes”.
It’s a lot easier to change a “no” into a yes”. Once you say “yes”, it’s almost impossible to turn that into a “no”.
Here’s something I’d like to challenge you with: Choose not to say “yes” to anything unless and until you take at least 24 hours to think about it. If there’s not enough time to take those 24 hours and you find yourself always being asked to do things as an “emergency”, there’s a big clue to whether you’re a people pleaser or not. You are not someone else’s emergency solution.
For those moments, here’s another a great quote as you practice saying “no”.
Your lack of preparation and planning does not constitute my emergency. ~ Unknown
2. Practice waiting for a solution.
As stated above, it’s easier to change your “no” to a “yes” and if you’ve evaluated the situation and you’ve decided with some time that you would like to help, then by all means do so. But you’ve given yourself the time and space to make a decision with a cool, unemotional head. I promise this will feel very difficult at first and will get easier the more you practice. (Just like anything!)
You’ll find that by waiting, you are training other people, (those who’ve come to rely on you for “yeses”), to find another solution. You will stop being their “emergency plan”.
Note: Get ready for some anger, hurt feelings, impatience and maybe even recrimination. It’s ok and it’s to be expected when you’ve been allowing people to treat you a certain way. And there may be serious attempts at manipulation.
One of two things will happen.
- People will get used to your new assertiveness over your life and come to respect you for it.
- Those who are not ok with it will slowly migrate out of your life.
Now for the biggie. Without this, you may always find yourself a people pleaser in business and life.
3. Find another way to get your fix.
When you’re a people pleaser, there’s a payoff you’re getting from saying “yes”. It may be the warm, fuzzy (and fleeting) good feeling you get from being appreciated by the person who’s asking for a “yes”. For all you entrepreneurs, I hope you get inspired to try this and see how much time you gain to laser focus.
We all need appreciation and love but if you’re addicted to getting it from saying “yes” to things that are not good for you, your business and your life, then there’s a problem. And when you start saying “no”, you’ll feel extremely uncomfortable, embarrassed and you’ll want to instantly change your “no” into a “yes” because of the discomfort.
Don’t do it.
Stand firm.
When you realize you’ve recovered from being a people pleaser, you’ll have won freedom, time, laser-focus to bring your important work into the world… as well as more self-respect and better relationships.
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It’s so easy to become a people pleaser from the beginning as most want to do nice things for other people, especially when they could really use the help. Therefore it’s easy to get into the habit of being a people pleaser. However these 1-2-3 steps are so valuable to break and steer clear of this habit. The old saying goes, “When you try to please everyone, you please no one.” Thank you for another valuable teaching Maritza!
Dean, love that quote! This has been a difficult habit for me to break, and the more I do it, the easier it becomes.
Hi, my name is Michael, and I’m a recovering people pleaser 😉 I try to work on this nearly every day and it has gotten in the way of my success more often than not. Thanks for writting this!
This speaks to me, specifically:
“We all need appreciation and love but if you’re addicted to getting it from saying “yes” to things that are not good for you, your business and your life, then there’s a problem. And when you start saying “no”, you’ll feel extremely uncomfortable, embarrassed and you’ll want to instantly change your “no” into a “yes” because of the discomfort.”
Michael – you gave me a chuckle! And, I’m so glad this spoke to you. I think it’s a super common issue for people and entrepreneurs. One thing I’ve said “no” to a lot this year are doing affiliate or JV promotions. It’s been difficult to say “no” because you think of the missed opportunity and also I’m friends with many who ask, but it has really helped me stay true to laser focusing on my message.
Love this! I just love saying yes to everything, only because I want to do it all. But then like you mentioned with yourself, the overwhelm sets in, and I start to have way too much on my plate. This is a great message for me today as I make the shift into online business. Thank you, Maritza!
This is a tough one for me! One thing that I’ve heard… Unless you are really not sure, try “Maybe”, then do your homework. You can always come back with a yes or a no.
Love step 2 “Practice waiting for a solution.” – Great tips Maritza!
I love this, Frank. I’ve had to say no after saying yes a few times this year to correct myself. I should have started with “maybe.” GREAT post, Martiza!
Really got me thinking, I need to remember to preserve my time as it’s the most precious commodity I have, saying yes to everything doesn’t get me where I want to go!
Great points Maritza. I am definitely a people pleaser. For me, I don’t ever want to stir up trouble, so I just say yes. But, it wears me down. I like the 24 hour rule and will start to implement it. I’ll let you know how it goes!!
I turned off my personal training business (at least for the interim) in order to go after bigger goals. It’s hard to let people know that I’m not available, when I could be available, but it is the right thing. Thanks for the perspective!
People pleasing used to be my specialty! Then I learned to please myself first, and that made all the difference. Love the advice you give here, always helpful and gave me a couple new tips!
Thank you!
Love this!! I have had to start using ‘Maybe’ A LOT and it has been so helpful. My son is such a people pleaser too and I think these ideas would be so helpful for him too. I want him to make sure he is pleased first as Paul said. Thanks again!!
Wow! Maritza! People should also learn to say NO with things. Help ourselves first before others coz you can’t give what you don’t have. 🙂
You’re right Maritza, being a people pleaser really is a disease!! I agree that one of the best steps is learning how to stop saying yes – I started by changes my “yes”s to “maybe”s (NO was too difficult in the beginning.) Great article!!
Hi Maritza, great article! I agree I tend to take on too many things because I am a people pleaser. I’m starting to learn to say “No” to allow me to focus on things that I’m trying to accomplish.
Maritza,
I too am a recovering people pleaser but I am learning that it becomes easier to say “no” with practice. Like Anthony I tend to take on too many things as a result, but slowly I am learning to put my family and myself first.
[…] Become a Recovering People Pleaser in 3 Steps […]
I just recently discovered and admitted that I am a people pleaser. I can’t believe I’ve gone so long without realizing this fact about me. Suppose its time to start the switch. Thanks for the steps.